Roller Coaster of Love: Part II

By the time I was given the ok to go to the nursery to see the new, little man in my life some time had passed. Brian and our families, as well as a couple of close friends, had been observing him through the window. Upon entering the nursery, they were able to tell Brian & I that he'd already had his chest x-ray done, blood work taken, etc. The sight of his x-ray on the wall nearby and the IV in his teeny-tiny already bruised hand were just enough to bring on my first sad tears up to this point.

I wasn't able to hold him, but he was able to hold my finger.

Once 8:00 pm arrived, I was beginning to grow a little anxious, more frustrated, and even a tadbit more worried. When this originally began, I somehow had it in mind that it'd just be a real short thing...as each tick of the clock passed, I started to worry that this was even more serious than I'd previously realized. When we went back down there, a doctor from Cardinal Glennon was in overseeing Parker's progress. He quickly informed us that if his breathing didn't slow down by midnight, they would start a round of antibiotics just to rule out and/or possibly start to treat/prevent neo-natal pnemonia. Que the tears again. At this point, nothing was working out the way I'd played it in my mind for the last 9 months.

In my own happy scenerio, Nolan would have already been to the hospital, met his baby brother, held him and been taken back home. Our parents would have already held their newest grandbaby, and Brian and I would be settling in to cherish our first real alone and intimate moments with our newest addition. But, have I previously mentioned that nothing about this pregnancy has been according to my imagination? That's when it really hit me that I'd been viewing this completely wrong and had lost track of what's most important...and our prayers no longer became from our standpoint, but based on faith. Faith in God that things were going to be just fine. Faith that exceeds all understanding. Faith that He gave us this amazing gift at a completely surprising moment in our lives when we were least expecting it. Faith that He was in control this entire time through every bump along the way. And, faith that he was going to see us through and that we needed to just be confident in that and stop worrying about the how's, when's, and why's. In that very instance, is when one of my favorite scriptures popped up in my mind and I clinged to it tightly:

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Shortly before midnight, we were told that Parker's breathing had very suddenly taken a turn for the better and had drastically improved, when for the past 7 hours no progress was being made. Now That. Is. Faith. No antibiotics needed to be started and they were already slowly weening him off of the oxygen.

3:50 a.m. - After being awake for 25 hours, laboring & delivering, going from an extreme high to a quick low I was finally able to hold my little man for an adequate amount of time.

He still wasn't able to come up to our room until a little later in the morning, but we were both feeling much more relieved and we both were able to get a few minutes of sleep. A couple of short hours later, my heart received the other thing that it had been aching for and in that moment my heart began to melt.

Not only was I longing to see and experience this, but also I was longing to see my first born...I'd missed him dearly and so badly wanted him to be with us and be a part of all this, yet I didn't want to scare him with this experience.

The next day, Nolan was more than ready to come back for another visit with his little brother and proudly strutted back into the hospital with even more confidence this time.

That Sunday evening, we were released and more than happy to be heading home with both of our boys. Brian would be able to stay home with me until Thursday, Nolan would keep his routine of going to school on Tuesday since it was wrapping up anyway, and Meemaw would be coming down on Friday for a short visit and to help out and returning on Monday to stay with me for a couple of days while Daddy was finishing out the school year. Given my previous reminders, I should have realized that this, too, would not go as according to our plan. However, we did enjoy a couple of days at home together.

Nolan was so excited he was able to feed "baby" since he was told it'd be awhile before he was able. Oxygen Hood + Respiratory problems = No nursing right away = pumping early (again, not part of the plan).

Napping with my boys (even if one is faking in the picture for Daddy)

To be continued...