Wow.

Wow. Has it really been that long since my last post?! I'm not even going to make excuses. I keep telling myself I need to get back to doing this on a regular basis for my children. My plan is to make this blog into a book...a keepsake for them, and in order to do that, I need to keep adding to it rather than holding close to all the thoughts, laughs, and memories inside my own head because I want them to recall them and have them to cherish as much as I do each and every day.

 

So, with that, I am going to vow to do some catching up over the next couple of weeks.

Tonight, I am feeling an array of emotions. I tucked both boys into bed and had a couple of hours to myself to do absolutely nothing but get absorbed into my DVR'd shows and fill mind head with distractions. Tomorrow, I am going in for another surgery to remove the remaining cancer in my lymph nodes/neck. After my last dose of unexpected radiation treatment in April, we discovered that my body and my cancer have both stopped responding to radiation. I am so ready to have this surgery and move forward. I am more than ready to close this chapter of my life and my boys life. I hate the time and energy it strips away from my family and me, but in the same token, I'm completely grateful for my prognosis...especially when this past year, we've lost so many young friends and co-workers to this evil, nondiscriminatory disease.

Over the last year, we have talked openly and honestly with Nolan regarding the "c" word. We asked him if he'd ever heard of it and what he knew about it. We felt it was very important to clear up any misconceptions that he may have about cancer and more specifically my cancer. We decided that it wasn't going to do him any favors if he builds up and learns about cancer from the outside world when it was so close to home that it is actually in his home. We want him to be comfortable with coming to us, learning from us, and asking us questions. However, we also don't force the issue or force him to discuss anything. We provide him with the basics, ask him if he has questions, and move on from there. We have come to realize that his version of cancer and our version of cancer is so very different. His world hasn't been deeply impacted by it. His vision hasn't been completely jaded like ours has from this horror. He is more in the moment and he has never been one to openly discuss his feelings and wear his heart on his sleeve. He has always liked to put on a strong front.

Today, was a bit exhausting. Brian was sick all day long and found out he has strep, so I took the boys out solo today to stay away: 1.) So he could rest & 2.) So I don't catch anything prior to tomorrow. Parker only took about a 20 minute nap in the car and Nolan barely "rested" (he no longer 'naps'....he "rests" and falls asleep immediately watches a movie). I was so glad to have a day out with my boys, but wished Daddy could have joined us as well. Nolan and I talked just a tiny bit about tomorrow, what the rest of his week is going to look like (thanks, Meemaw & Papa), and what he could expect when he comes back home. He seemed to take it in, but then quickly changed the subject, as usual.

Tonight, when I was tucking him in...he was a little bit teary eyed, but holding them in and asked me what time Grandma & Grandpa are coming tomorrow because he didn't want to be sleeping still. I asked him what was wrong, and he just quietly said that he didn't want me to leave without telling him goodbye. I quickly assured him that I would not leave for the hospital without telling him goodbye and that I would never intentionally leave him without telling him goodbye. He was very happy to hear that and again changed the subject by informing me that he had boogers in his nose. Ahh...boys! :)

Tonight...I pray that my boys never, ever have to deal with cancer on such a close surface again. Sadly, the older I get, it seems to be more and more common and surrounds me everywhere. I hate that. I wish I could forever shield my boys from all the hurtful things that this crazy world has to offer. It's easy to focus on those hurts and forget how much good is in this world, too, and right now...the best things in my world are wrapped up with their blankies, raggies, & bunnies dreaming comfortably in their beds awaiting one more secret hug, kiss, and longing gaze by their nightlights. I love you as high as the sky & as deep as the ocean, Nolan & Parker.

I watched this video a day after he passed away and bawled my eyes out through the entire thing...but in such a good and moving way. Cancer is awful & very unfair, but I do believe that the good and positive in people like Zach far exceed anything that cancer can do or bring to the table. It comes to destroy...and in a way, it does, but cancer isn't what he and the millions of others will be remembered for....it's the GOOD that always shines through in the end. This was too touching not to share. (Remember to scroll down and pause the music player on my blog first).

Update of the Boys

They are good at making me proud to be their Momma! :)

Nolan is learning so much in Kindergarten this year...I just simply cannot believe how much he's learned and how well he is doing. He is reading level D books (which I know for my non-teacher friends probably doesn't mean a whole lot, but it's what they want 1st graders to start in -- yes, that's my bragging Mommy moment)! He's developed some good friendships and we hear about these friends nightly (it's so weird for me not putting faces with names for the first time ever in his life). He truly loves going to Miss Cindy's house before school and a couple of times a week after school, if needed. In fact, when we get there, him & a girl from his class, Rhea (not even sure if that's how she spells it) beg for him to be able to stay for just a little while longer. He's beginning to learn to tell time. Math is currently his favorite part of the school day (I'm very shocked he didn't say recess or lunch). He is still very obsessed with basketball and about to start Coach Pitch baseball again soon. He also lost another tooth in early February at Great Grandma Mac's Surprise 80th Birthday! Great Uncle Bruce pulled it out...Nolan was a little bit bummed (but he quickly got over it) because he wanted to pull it himself again & because once again, it wasn't at school for him to get a tooth necklace. Ha! We are STILL trying to stop the finger-sucking and I'm beginning to become hopeless...or just set on the fact that some major work is going to have to happen to his new teeth someday. He also still sleeps nightly with his blue bunny that he's had since he was born. It has definitely seen better days and is getting to the point that I'm afraid to wash it. I love this boy as high as the sky & as deep as the ocean.

Parker is also learning SO much! He can count to 5 and attempts to sing his ABCs, it's just hard to tell what he's singing unless you start the song with him! He talks ALL. THE. TIME. I simply cannot get over how much more verbal he is at this age compared to his brother. I think he's trying to keep up with Nolan. He loves dancing and singing. But, more than anything, he LOVES to get into everything & anything...he often goes from one thing to the next looking what to get into. This, too, is completely opposite of his "Bubba." If he gets a boo-boo, he has to have you kiss it, then he's completely better. He is great at communicating with words what he wants. He also loves basketball and to shoot. He has been going potty right before bathtime for a couple of months now and is so proud of himself when he does that he walks around saying, "I potty!" He still has to have his raggy for bedtime, security when he's upset or somewhere new, and in the car. It smells horribly because he still sucks on it, but I guess it is better than those fingers?! I love this boy as high as the sky & as deep as the ocean.

These are the moments...

Happy Holidays!

Well, my favorite time of the year (not counting my favorite season of autumn) has come and gone faster than the last. How does time manage to do that? Get away, that is. Each Christmas break home with my boys passes faster than the one prior. We were fortunate, this year, that Nolan's school break was the exact same as ours.

We kicked off the holiday season by going to Grandma & Grandpa Curry's house to celebrate Christmas. The boys enjoyed spending time with their cousins that they sadly do not get to see too often. You would never tell though...they pick up like no time has gone by at all, and I love it. They are all very close in age and it made for a full house. Full of laughter and friendship and love. For that, I'm so happy because my cousins have played a major role in my life (young and now) and I truly view them as sisters.

"Cousins are those childhood playmates who grow up to be forever friends."

 

 

Santa Claus' helper (as Nolan later told Brian and I...because he said he knew that wasn't the real one; we didn't doubt for a minute that he would pick up on this regardless of the real beard...he's a very observant child) came by and handed out gifts and smiles. Let me tell you how annoying lovely the music of about six train whistles is! Ha! Nolan continues to call his the "Polar Express Whistle." Nolan was also very happy that he received Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

We came home and did our traditional Christmas at home. The boys slept in fairly well and didn't even wake at the sounds of the Tooth Fairy, Santa, or Mack stirring in our home throughout the cold night. They even slept in a little bit! Nolan woke up first (well, besides my lying there patiently waiting for one of them to get up) and I heard him shout, "SHE CAME!!! SHE FINALLY CAME!!" and in our room he sprinted carrying his note from the Tooth Fairy and his $5 (the note stated that he got a little bit more since it was his very first tooth and he pulled it himself). He set it down and pranced down the hallway as fast as he could and was beyond thrilled to see that the jolly ole' fella came to our house, too! He found Mack in his usual Christmas morning spot: our tree, where he can get the perfect view! The boys must have been very good this year because Santa treated them well! Nolan got everything that was on his wish list! He was most excited about his toy soldiers (yes, the typical decoration kind) and his furby. He was also happy that Parker got him the Space Jam DVD.

Parker did a wonderful job opening up his gifts! His favorite (besides the boxes and bows) was his Mickey Mouse microphone. He hasn't stopped singing in it yet!

Shortly after opening presents, relaxing, and playing, we headed to Effingham to Meemaw & Papa's house. We were EXCITED because we knew they were supposed to get a "blizzard." The boys got spoiled as usual by them: Nolan got an iPOD touch and Skylanders (along with other goodies, too) and Parker got a plasma car (which him and Nolan are both enjoying in our unfinished basement). They were happy to see Papa had put up his train around the tree and the lights on their own trees in the backyard were shining brightly that evening. I love traditions! Later, the snow started to fall. I wouldn't quite call it a blizzard by any means, but it was excellent snow for building a snowman in record time and Parker was able to experience it for the very first time. Nolan instantly plopped down and made a snow angel. There's something magical about the first snowfall of the year, isn't there?

We had a beautiful and fun Christmas and I hated to see it go. And, yes, I still have my tree up! :) They will be coming down soon, I'm sure. That's usually Daddy's job since I have a hard time with seeing them go. It's very melancholy for me to take them down and pack them up.

Here's to wishing 2013 is a year of HAPPINESS, HEALTH (still praying for a good scan in April), and LOVE for this family...and our friends and family, too. There's so much to be thankful for!