Wow.

Wow. Has it really been that long since my last post?! I'm not even going to make excuses. I keep telling myself I need to get back to doing this on a regular basis for my children. My plan is to make this blog into a book...a keepsake for them, and in order to do that, I need to keep adding to it rather than holding close to all the thoughts, laughs, and memories inside my own head because I want them to recall them and have them to cherish as much as I do each and every day.

 

So, with that, I am going to vow to do some catching up over the next couple of weeks.

Tonight, I am feeling an array of emotions. I tucked both boys into bed and had a couple of hours to myself to do absolutely nothing but get absorbed into my DVR'd shows and fill mind head with distractions. Tomorrow, I am going in for another surgery to remove the remaining cancer in my lymph nodes/neck. After my last dose of unexpected radiation treatment in April, we discovered that my body and my cancer have both stopped responding to radiation. I am so ready to have this surgery and move forward. I am more than ready to close this chapter of my life and my boys life. I hate the time and energy it strips away from my family and me, but in the same token, I'm completely grateful for my prognosis...especially when this past year, we've lost so many young friends and co-workers to this evil, nondiscriminatory disease.

Over the last year, we have talked openly and honestly with Nolan regarding the "c" word. We asked him if he'd ever heard of it and what he knew about it. We felt it was very important to clear up any misconceptions that he may have about cancer and more specifically my cancer. We decided that it wasn't going to do him any favors if he builds up and learns about cancer from the outside world when it was so close to home that it is actually in his home. We want him to be comfortable with coming to us, learning from us, and asking us questions. However, we also don't force the issue or force him to discuss anything. We provide him with the basics, ask him if he has questions, and move on from there. We have come to realize that his version of cancer and our version of cancer is so very different. His world hasn't been deeply impacted by it. His vision hasn't been completely jaded like ours has from this horror. He is more in the moment and he has never been one to openly discuss his feelings and wear his heart on his sleeve. He has always liked to put on a strong front.

Today, was a bit exhausting. Brian was sick all day long and found out he has strep, so I took the boys out solo today to stay away: 1.) So he could rest & 2.) So I don't catch anything prior to tomorrow. Parker only took about a 20 minute nap in the car and Nolan barely "rested" (he no longer 'naps'....he "rests" and falls asleep immediately watches a movie). I was so glad to have a day out with my boys, but wished Daddy could have joined us as well. Nolan and I talked just a tiny bit about tomorrow, what the rest of his week is going to look like (thanks, Meemaw & Papa), and what he could expect when he comes back home. He seemed to take it in, but then quickly changed the subject, as usual.

Tonight, when I was tucking him in...he was a little bit teary eyed, but holding them in and asked me what time Grandma & Grandpa are coming tomorrow because he didn't want to be sleeping still. I asked him what was wrong, and he just quietly said that he didn't want me to leave without telling him goodbye. I quickly assured him that I would not leave for the hospital without telling him goodbye and that I would never intentionally leave him without telling him goodbye. He was very happy to hear that and again changed the subject by informing me that he had boogers in his nose. Ahh...boys! :)

Tonight...I pray that my boys never, ever have to deal with cancer on such a close surface again. Sadly, the older I get, it seems to be more and more common and surrounds me everywhere. I hate that. I wish I could forever shield my boys from all the hurtful things that this crazy world has to offer. It's easy to focus on those hurts and forget how much good is in this world, too, and right now...the best things in my world are wrapped up with their blankies, raggies, & bunnies dreaming comfortably in their beds awaiting one more secret hug, kiss, and longing gaze by their nightlights. I love you as high as the sky & as deep as the ocean, Nolan & Parker.

I watched this video a day after he passed away and bawled my eyes out through the entire thing...but in such a good and moving way. Cancer is awful & very unfair, but I do believe that the good and positive in people like Zach far exceed anything that cancer can do or bring to the table. It comes to destroy...and in a way, it does, but cancer isn't what he and the millions of others will be remembered for....it's the GOOD that always shines through in the end. This was too touching not to share. (Remember to scroll down and pause the music player on my blog first).